Hemi-year update

Cece had an excellent post about her accomplishments in the past six months (truly inspiring, go look at it!) and it started me thinking about my own accomplishments so far this year.

It will come as no surprise to regular readers of this blog that I have had a banner year so far in 2005 (no lightning bolts from above, please!) I moved to Washington D.C., got a lovely apartment with Sailor Boy, bought my first new car, got a new job, landed a fabulous agent and sold my first novel as part of a two-book deal to Bantam Dell! Things are swell, no doubt about it.

I point this out not to be smug or otherwise unbearable, but to contrast it with how hopeless I felt about my future only a few months ago. Don’t believe me? Check this out. (I play it off lightly, and blame it on a little writing snag, but believe you me, there was some serious anguish going on in that restaurant.) My job was torture, my boss, a living hell, I was living with my parents, I was running out of options for my future non-book-writing career, and my book writing career was stuck in neutral. Sailor Boy was a little ill at ease. He’d been running out of ways to deal with my sudden cloudbursts, and I was running out of ways to prevent them.

I did not celebrate the New Year this year. I didn’t even want to know that it was occurring. I didn’t drink champagne, didn’t watch the clock, didn’t party, didn’t even recognize it. I disliked the vast majority of 2004. I wanted it gone and good riddance, but from my position (even having made the recent and sudden decision to move to D.C.), I had no reason to suspect that 2005 would be any better. I was beginning to fear for my future. I was worried I was becoming bitter, or desperate. I felt old for my age. I wasn’t even 26.

Looking back on that time, I feel like a different person. Last week, I watched Before Sunset, and I was incredibly struck by the scene where Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy are sitting in the cafe, talking about their age. Delpy’s character has nightmares of being 23 having a nightmare of being 32 (the age of her character). Hawke is supremely comfortable in his skin. He likes growing older, wiser, more accomplished. Hawke’s character has a child he thinks the world of and a bestselling novel. Delpy’s character has a job she clearly enjoys, but is depressed about her role in life and the future. She’s seeing the window of opportunity slip away from her to get married and have babies. Hawke adores being 32. Delpy is terrified by it.

I did not want to be in my mid-twenties and be terrified by it. I wanted to be excited by the time spread out before me, not pessimistic about what it would contain. I wanted to be able to celebrate New Year’s both for the passing of the old year and all it contained, and the coming of the new and its wide world of possibilities.

In the past six months, I have turned from Delpy to Hawke. And it didn’t take the book deal to do it. A change in latitiude, jettisoning my old, dead-end job where I was treated badly, underappreciated, and regularly insulted by people who had no just cause to do so (see here, here, and the fact that an old co-worker told me when I discussed leaving with him that I’d never be able to work anywhere else, and I should be grateful for whatever crumbs they were willing to throw me — is that textbook abusive husband crap or what?), and in general assserting independence, control over my destiny, and unwillingness to ever “settle” made me into a different person these last few months. I’m now a big advocate of getting rid of things in your life that make you unhappy, especially if there’s not a big happiness quotient to help balance it out. I loved being a food critic. It was a great job. But it wasn’t great enough to be worth it. I think I’m more fun to be around (though I do have a healthy fear of getting tiresome to others through the constant temptation to talk about my book!) I’m looking forward to what’s coming around the corner, I’m happy in my skin.

(I am a bit worried of turning back into the other Diana should my fortunes take a change for the worse, but I think that once one has seen the path, it’s a bit easier to get to it. )

So of all my accomplishments in the past six months, that’s the one that I’m most proud of. I’ve turned from a demonstrably depressed person, a bitter person, a person that even I didn’t like being around, into a happy person, and anticipatory person, a forward-thinking person. I should have celebrated the coming of this year. But I have six more months before I have to think about that. Still, one thing I’m definitely doing now is celebrating my independence.