Monday Rants

Horrific little bug making its way around the litblogosphere called “Nyah nyah, bitch” Syndrome. NNBS is characterized by the unprompted sharing by the infected party of details of their methodology that directly contradict the advice being given and still resulted in a book deal/offer of agent representation, etc.

What differentiates NNBS from your average disagreement in methodology, of which I wholeheartedly approve and often take part in myself, is the fact that actually FOLLOWING the advice given is never a bad idea, though on occasion, not following it might be (hence the advice).
For instance: Agent blogs about the wisdom of not sending in submission under cutesy/offensive/inappropriate email handle, because it looks unprofessional and makes said agent reluctant to enter into business relationship with you. NNBS-positive poster shoots back that they got an agent despite the fact that their screenname is “cockmaster69” or somesuch. Know what? Good for you. Do you think they wouldn’t have read your email if you’d been “jane_smith?” I don’t either.

Another instance: Agent reminds writers to always include an SASE. Another writer says he got a ton of agent offers only when he *didn’t*. Nyah, nyah, bitch. Please. As if it was the lack of SASE that earned you the response? Way to teach aspiring writers to concentrate on the secret handshakes and codes and turning-page-37-upside-down tricks rather than writing a good book and presenting it in a professional manner. You know why your magazine subscriptions provide you with an SASE? Because they are more likely to get a response if they make it free, that’s why.

I often see advice bandied about that says to finish your book before querying, because editors cannot buy and agents cannot sell a partial manuscript from a debut author. I never dive in and say, “Oh, yes they can, because I sold mine on a partial, nyah, nyah, bitch.” Why? Because it’s a fluke. It’s a fluke that’s so unusual and unlikely that there’s no point in talking about it, or encouraging people to try it. If they do, they do, if not, then no big deal.

Yet not a month has gone by since I sold my book that I don’t get an email asking me how to sell a book on partial. I do not know the answer to that. Write a really strong partial, pray for a partial-friendly market, I guess. I also hear from a lot of people who are upset that their partial hasn’t resulted in an offer, and that editors or agents have asked to see the whole thing when it’s done. The common reaction to this news seems to be: “This won’t ever sell, since it didn’t sell on partial.” Come on, now. Finish the book.

Writer’s Digest recently published an article: “How I Broke All the Rules and Got Published Anyway.” Talk about damaging! Such articles are meant I’m sure, to demystify the process for writers. Writers, neurotic little souls that we are, often get so caught up in the vagaries of formatting, paper brightness, font size, spacing, SASEs, paperclips, binder clips, rubber bands, how far down the page to start the first chapter, how to format chapter headings, what to do with widows and orphans, etc., that we lose site of the big picture. Which is: write a good book and present it professionally. But what these articles actually do is encourage people to do bizarre things with their submissions, because they make it seem as if breaking the rules is actually what got their manuscript noticed, rather than the actual manuscript.

Most people I know who got their manuscript noticed did it the old fashioned way. They queried an agent or editor, and got a request. They sent in the requested manuscript, and got an offer. That’s it, that’s all, there’s no big secret. Any variation is a minor ripple in the usual process. Maybe they didn’t get their request from a query, but from a contest win or a conference pitch. One out of a thousand sells their first book in a REALLY unusual manner, say Janice Lynn and her American Title win that resulted in a book contract. But that story is newsworthy because it’s so unusual. You hear about debut authors selling on partials, you hear about contest wins or meeting editors in bathrooms or POD self-published projects that get book deals because they are so, so, so unusual. Most people send in queries, get requests, send in requests, and get offers. Period. And you’d be surprised how often that chain of events breaks down on the author’s side. I have heard so many agents and editors tell me that they never get requested manuscripts.

The number two question I get when people hear I have a novel coming out (number one is, “What is it about?”) is “How did you sell your book?” And then they are surprised when I tell them. I queried an agent, she requested the book. I sent it to her. She offered, I accepted, she sent it to publishing houses, and we got an offer. Wow, that can’t be! No one ever sells a book if they try to do it the NORMAL way! But that’s exactly what happened. The other stuff: the partial, the buzz, the auction, the speed — they are accessories. A black dress is still a black dress, no matter what the neckline looks like, or the bows or the ruffle along the hem.

Just because you’ve done it or you’ve heard of someone doing it another way doesn’t make the usual way any less valid. The NNBS-positive folks might think that they are demystifying the process for the poor writers who translate “get thee a proper email address and make sure not to salute the prospective editor with ‘yo yo yo beeyatch’ if you want your submission to look as professional as possible” to mean “follow all of these rules to a tee or you shall never, ever get past the gatekeepers of the Eeeeevil Publishing Empire,” but that’s not how it’s coming across. Instead, it’s sounding like, “do it *my* way or you’ll be stuck on the publishing carousel with all the peons. If you really want to get published, you can’t do what they tell you to. Guidelines are for dummies. Rules are for losers. They don’t apply to real people.”

It’s sounding like “Nyah, nyah, bitch.”

Post below if you got an agent or book deal “the usual way” or if you didn’t, but still believe that the usual way is perfectly valid. If you don’t believe that, post here anyway and we’ll chat. 😉 You’re immune from NNBS because I want you to come in and tell me if i’m totally off-base.