a dose of humility

Justine Larbalestier, whose second book Magic Lessons (a follow-up to her debut MAGIC OR MADNESS) will not be published for another seventy-two days, is discussing writerly humiliation. Poor Justine entered a bookstore at which her book was prominently displayed and was given the hairy eyeball by the clerk and was refused the right to sign stock. (Never fear, Justine. This same thing happened to Tess Gerritsen not so long ago. You’re in great company.)

JL points out an excellent article by writer Meg Cabot, with whom I am slated to be in an anthology, I just found out, about the many awful things people ask writers. I am appalled to report that even without the benefit of Cabot’s prodigious backlist, movie deals, publishing track record, etc., I have already been on the receiving end of 10/13 of these comments. She did forget the always popular request for “a part in the movie” and “how much did that cost you?” (One of Justine’s commenters covered the latter.)

But my favorite moment of writerly humiliation happened back when I was writing for my local newspaper. I was a food critic, whose job it was to, you know, critique food at the various restaurants in town. I’d just gotten the job and I was tres excited. Enter cocktail party. Enter Pumice Head.

Pumice Head: So your father tells me you’re a writer.
Freshly-minted journalist: Yes, yes I am. I work for the Weekly Planet. (brace for ubiquitous Lois Lane reference)
Pumice Head: Never heard of it.
FMJ: It’s an alternative weekly newspaper. We have a circulation of–
PH: You should move to New York.
FMJ: (chokes on overly-oaky chardonnay) Actually, I just moved here from New York and took this job.
PH: All the real writers live in New York.
FMJ: (smiling weakly) Probably not those who have writing jobs elsewhere.
PH: Seriously, what are you doing here? What kind of writing can you possibly do in Tampa?
FMJ: (feeling like a broken record, but still smuggling to smile) The kind I’m getting paid for at my newspaper. I’m a restaurant critic.
PH: They have restaurants in New York.
FMJ: (beginning to get the impression the guy is fucking with me) That they do, sir. That they do. Also here. Where they need the food critic. Which is why I have my job. Here. In Tampa. Where the restaurants I write about are. Oh my, emptied my glass already. Excuse me.

I feel fortunate, however, that the most common responses since I’ve sold my book have been stuff I TOTALLY want to talk about, and since I live in the land of Washington “And what do YOU do?” D.C., it’s been keen to get to say “novelist” for the last eight months. Here are some common “good” questions:

“Anything published?” (No, but the first one will be out in July)
“What name do you write under?” (Diana Peterfreund)
“What’s the book about?” (It’s a collegiate comedy/chick lit about an Ivy League co-ed who joins an elite secret society and causes havoc.)
“What’s it called?” (Secret Society Girl)
“How did you find a publisher?” (My agent sent the first few chapters to a variety of publishers and the ones that were interested made offers.)
“How did you get an agent?” (Same way, but it was me sending out the queries and the agents who were interested made offers. The agent I have, I sent her a query for one book, she read it and passed, sent her this one, she read it and offered representation.)
“Isn’t that really hard?” (Yes, it was very very hard for the four other books I wrote. For this book, it was very easy.)
“How many books have you written?” (Five, now.)

But the bad stuff does lurk around the corner. Still, I suppose you have to deal with that in any profession. Lawyers get canvassed for legal advice and are made the butt of “shark” jokes, doctors are asked about partygoers’ various lumps and rashes, no matter what their specialty, actors are asked whether they “do nude” and if they’ve met ::insert celebrity here::… there’s probably a list for every profession.

But it’s nice that people are curious, even if the vision of what I do for a living is completely clouded by Hollywood. Hollywood never says a word about page proofs.

Speaking of page proofs…