Rio on Fictional Animals

Hello again. It’s Rio, back on blog duty since it’s STILL RAINING and honestly, a girl can only gnaw on her tail and nap on the couch so long. Mommy even broke down yesterday and gave me a kong full of frozen peanut butter to lap, but that little trick backfired on her some since Queenie got into it when she came home yesterday afternoon.

I’d like to say it’s not easy being a writer’s dog, but that’s not true. I know if my mommy worked at an office, I’d be left alone in the house all day. Here all I’m asked to do is sit on Mommy’s feet during the winter. Mommy can take off in the middle of the day to take me for a walk, and there are people on the internet who think I’m cute.

But the gig has its downsides, too. For instance, I have to admit I get a little jealous of all the fictional animals Mommy creates. First, it was Voldemort the snake, who I don’t mind telling you I do NOT like one bit. Apparently, he’s even older than I am, because he was created before I was born. So, for that matter, was Bonegrinder.

Bonegrinder is, quite possibly, more popular on the internet than I am. We can’t have that, folks. See how cute I am?


So, whatever. Mommy made Voldemort the snake and Bonegrinder long before she met me (and boy was I cute then):

but what’s her excuse now? Why can’t I be in every book? Why can’t I be a unicorn hunting dog? I like unicorn hunters:

Lately, she’s gone totally overboard in creating animals, ever since I started hanging around her. It’s like she’s obsessed. It wasn’t enough that she had Voldie and Bonegrinder and Bucephalus. She added a whole host of new unicorns in Ascendant. (I mean, come on, guys. Angel? That was a ploy for unicorn sympathy, plain and simple.) And of course, there was Flayer. And Enyo.

And then, to add insult to injury, she created some DOGS. Gotta make fictional ones, Mommy? Think they’ll keep your feet warm in the winter? Gog and Magog, which I’m sorry, are very clearly ripoffs of Temp Dog #2. This year, she made another dog character, Goneril. You haven’t met Goneril yet. She’s in next year’s Under My Hat anthology. And, for the record, she is NOT AS CUTE AS ME.

And now she’s at it again. You should see her. I have to lie here on the floor by her desk, pretending to nap as adorably as possible, letting my little feet twitch as if I’m dreaming of chasing things (in a land where it’s not flooding, darn it ALL) and trying to distract her with my undeniably toxic levels of cute, and she’s sitting there, typing away and giggling at the antics of her latest animal creation.

Guys, I fear it might be cuter than me.

WE CAN NOT HAVE THAT.

Posted in Rio, writing life

7 Responses to Rio on Fictional Animals

  1. Liza says:

    Rio, no way your mommy’s animal creations are cuter than you.

  2. Jo says:

    Impossible! And even if it is somewhat cute, it is probably dumb.And can’t blog.

  3. Petra says:

    Such a cute dog! His name, colour, eyes! I want one 🙂

  4. Kendra says:

    Rio, Kendra here.

    I wanted to share with you something Mommy tells me. She tells me in a ridiculous voice “You are such a good girl. You are the best girl in the whole wide world. I can’t imagine a better girl than you.” She even says this after I claw her ankles in an attempt to show her that I really have learned “Shake.”

    Now, my mommy’s not in the writing and imagining business, but I believe you’re mommy feels the same way about you. She writes about other animals because she can always imagine improvements in those animals (like Temp Dog #2). But you Rio are perfect to her. She can’t improve you and she can’t capture your perfectness in her words. Would you want her to put you in a book when the resulting book animal character was a shadow of the majestic creature you are? I would imagine not.

    Puppy licks,
    Kendra.

    P.S. I really did like Gog and Magog, but being part Great Pyrenees myself I’m probably a bit biased.

  5. Diana says:

    Kendra, your mommy sounds nice. My mommy has totally forgotten to do that for me recently. I mean, she does rub my tummy and whatnot, and feed me, but the ridiculous amount of praise I used to get has fallen a bit by the wayside.

    You’re part Great Pyrenees? That’s awesome. Temp Dog #2 was too — at least, that’s what the foster people said. My mommy has a sneaking suspicion she was part Arctic wolf. I really liked her, though. I mean, she was way bigger than me and she beat up on me sometimes (once, she accidentally broke my toe and it still sticks out funny) but she also taught me how to wriggle under the porch. Daddy (Sailor Boy to the humans) thought she was perfect, though, and still gets all misty-eyed that we adopted her out.

  6. beatrice says:

    Hi Rio! I’m Beatrice. I like napping, but I also like running around. After all, I may be 9, but I’m still a Dalmatian, and we are supposed to run along side carriages ALL THE TIME. I suppose now that they have cars, it’s not so important, but a girl needs purpose, you know?

    My mommy takes me to work with her all the time. I am the resident barn dog, and I make sure only good people come into my office. I have found I have a crafty side too – I love taking the things in the office and making new beds out of them. Watch out, Martha Stewart!

    Anyway, this week my mommy has been ignoring me a little. She has all these mean roosters she won’t let me play with, I still can only look at the awesome rabbits (why CAN’T we have a petting zoo?? I’m just saying!) and she got these two new horses in who are all skinny and sick and she has to feed them ALL THE TIME. I’m a pretty understanding dog and all, but hey, want to give me some food too? I finally admitted I knew how to “sit” thinking I would get all sorts of praise and food and cookies, and I do, but man, not as much as I was expecting! Plus she had to go in on one of our days off, which is when I get my really long runs through the woods. So unfair. See, REAL animals are worse than fake animals. At least your mommy doesn’t have to feed Voldie and Enyo and Flayer (awesome name) and Angel (seriously, that’s the best she could come up with? So sappy!)

    I recommend posting from your mommy’s bed. It’s really more comfortable, and my mommy’s been feeling a little guilty, so I’m totally taking advantage of that. Not that I’m admitting that. Uhh, not at all.

    Besides, being famous can back fire. Sometimes it’s better to just have a good family and moan about the rain. Someone once asked me if I was pregnant, and I was like, excuse me! I have had a surgery, not that it’s any of your business, and why are you staring at my nipples anyway? Humans. They have no boundaries sometimes.

    I recommend asking for liver treats, for the charlee dog three calorie treats (they give you more because they think it’s all low calorie! it’s awesome.) and maybe scoping out the couch. Also giving kisses – my tongue always gets me attention! But really, napping is a good thing. My mommy says she would love to have nap time again, and I get to laugh, because I can have nap time whenever I want! She says it’s like kindergarten when she had to have nap time and she hated it, and now all she wants is nap time.

    love,

    Beatrice. (and yes, I was named for a character in some book. I feel you.)

  7. Tiff says:

    Yo Rio,

    Suck it up. At least your mommy takes you for walks. And lets you blog. Our mommy and daddy have let us get fat and sassy, we don’t go outside (we just look out the window and climb furniture a lot), and now we have to chase a ball with holes in it in order to get our food.

    Love,

    Rocky and Jackie
    Indoor Cats, Esq.