I have long held the belief, supported by pundits whom I respect that Marti Noxon is responsible for almost everything that went wrong with my favorite show in the universe. Proof: The season she “took over” as the day-to-day runner of Buffy (season six) was one of the most horrific examples of immediate brain drain I have ever witnessed, exlipsed only, perhaps, bu the anti-genius which was continuing the X-Files after David Duchovny’s departure. But I digress. And besides, Season Seven was even worse.
Granted, Ms. Noxon cannot be ENTIRELY to blame. After all, she was handed a show in which the main character was DEAD and inwhich most of the ideas had already been played out and the heroic arc had come to a glorious and inevitable conclusion. Still, she sucks. She turned one of television’s healthiest expressions of adolescent sexuality into a series of shameful guilt trips. Riley’s vampire whorage? Her idea. Buffy’s descent into S&M and, far more importantly (after all, every girl, especially a Slayer, could use a bit of kink), her shame over her darker desires? Her idea. the whole ridiuclous Spike pussification HER IDEA!!!!!! I shudder to thinkw hat she could have done to Angel if given the chance, since he already was a bit of a pussy in Whedon’s hands.
However, Joss seemed to like her, so I felt that she must have some redeeming qualities. So I didn’t appreciate her vision of the Buffy mytharc. I figured that she at least had a hand on characterization and dialogue. But perhaps I should have considered the fact that the Buffy crew’s characters fell apart at her hadns as well. What happened to the time when Willow and Buffy were friends? What happened to everyone actually LIKING each other?
Nope, Marti Noxon sucks. And so, unfortunately, does her new show, Point Pleasant, in which Rosemary’s baby is all grown up, blonde, gorgeous, and utterly, personality-free. So, unfortunately, are the other denizens of Point Pleasant. Not a one among them has the slightest smidgen of character. Oh, there’s the “slut”, who is playing off the “hottie boyfriend” and his “best friend.” I was almost positive she’d be knocked off in the pilot because Ms. Noxon never lets anyone have sex without punishing them, and this one got naked twenty minutes into the pilot by CHEATING on her boyfriend in a steamy pool. I was pretty sure that was a recipe for disaster. Despite hot sex with BF, Slut isn’t ready to give up HB Jesse, who has been ignoring her in favor of, oh, I don’t know, doing his lifeguard duty and actually RESCUING folks from the water? (By the way, that scene was laughable. Um, dude, you have a buoy for a reason. Use it!) Said rescuee is our girl Rosemary Jr. (“Christina??!?!” How sad can you get? At least give us a Lucy or a Beezlebubba or something) who of course, immediately falls head over cloven hooves for Hottie, despite the fact that he exhibits absolutely no semblance of a a personality. Seriously, he looks like a reject from a boy band video. But I suppose he must be a good guy, because girls fight over him and he’s the son of a policeman AND a minister. Certainly wouldn’t know any other way.
Also “good” but “dull” are Christina’s new adoptive family. I mean IMMEDIATELY adoptive. First port in a storm for a drowning girl and in less than a day they clear out their dead daughter’s stuf, redocorate the beach house and invite The Princess of Darkness to be their newest family member. Permanently. They don’t know a THING about her. This may be due to the fact that bland mother has gone off her depression meds, bland daughter (one of the worst actresses I have EVER seen, unassisted by horrific dialogue such as, “Wow, you’re like, going to go and, like, find your mom. That’s so neat”) is a few verses short of a full Bible, and bland doctor father is operating on the Seenth Heaven School of Fatherhood (What? Me, be responsible?) The mother is obsessed with dead daughter and immediately replaces Rosemary Jr. in her mind, the father (judging by next week’s previews) already expects the girl to call him “daddy,” and the daughter wells kicky braids in her hair and works at a gas station, in that darling way that only spunky, brunette, 16 year old television heroines can (Joey, anyone?)
The dialogue is stilted and often completely painful, the plot is mish-mashed, the developments are undeveloped and the symbolism is agonizingly obvious. If I see another cross, I’m going to vomit pea soup.
Only too-short glimpses of the lovely, talented, and underutlized Dina Meyers (Dizzy from Starship Troopers and Batgirl from the thankfully short-lived Birds of Prey) as the mother-of-slut who is very much after Dr. Dad, and another Beverly HIlls, 90210/Melrose Place alum, Grant Show, as a pretty stylin’ minion of the Devil seem to give this show the slightest hope. And those are MINOR characters! The scenes from next week seem to indicate that Show will have a larger part than apparent in the pilot, and I say, the sooner, the better, The rest of these hacks couldn’t carry a commercial, let alone a whole show.
Our girl Christina (Noxon gets points, in retrospect, for giving her the last name Nickson — v. clever) has nothing going for her. Acting-wise, she’s not even Sarah Michelle Gellar, and that’s a pretty low hurdle to cross. She has two facial expressions: “about to cry” and “mysterious, chin-lowered gaze”. She’s limpid and always has perfect hair, even after being dragged, half-dead, from the Jersey shore. her character is a non-intriguing puzzle. The show is dumb.
It’s an hour of my life that I will never get back. I hate you, Marti Noxon.
