To the Spammers…

That would like me to “partner” with them in their blogging endeavors, who have invited me to become a “contributor” to their blog, who would like me to “collaborate with them” to sell their product, and who wish for me to take “unique advantage” of their “very special offer” to get in on “the hottest new trend-setting” scheme, all because they so love my blog, attention:

No.

And you know what? I don’t believe you that you really like my blog, either. Liars.

Here’s a few guidelines, in case you are questioning whether or not I’d be interested in contributing/partnering/what-have-you-ing to your website or blog:

*If I have never before visited your website or blog, the chances are very, very slim that I wish to contribute to it. I can understand you wanting to make sure, however, because, hey, there are lurkers out there, and there is no way, for instance, for the nice girls at Go Fug Yourself to know if I’ve been there, since they don’t have comments.

* If I never before heard of your website or blog, nor any of the people involved in it, the chances are exactly zero.

* If the purpose of your website or blog is to sell scam publishing techniques, then the chances are get the hell out of my office. You clearly haven’t been reading my blog at all, though you supposedly love it so.

* If the reason given that I would be so fascinated to contribute/partner with your website or blog is that it “draws people from every level of the book publishing industry, drawing “hundreds or even thousands” of visitors daily who will “see your articles on a regular basis and enjoy your style and the substance of your expertise … become familiar with your writing, your expert reputation, and your marketing platform,” for the purpose of somehow inducing an agent or publisher to pick me up, then doubly no. Especially if I’ve never heard of your website, nor any of the current contributors, who are, as far as I can tell, micro or self-published.

This particular entreaty came with enormous, several-megabyte graphics, as well as an sales pitch that sounded to me like Martin Landau’s character’s catchphrase on Entourage:

Wouldn’t it be great if you sent a manuscript to a publisher or an agent and they responded with, “I’m familiar with your work on [Website Redacted], so I took the time to go over your manuscript. Let’s talk.” Wow! Your articles on [Website Redacted] DO have the PR potential to do that for you! Doesn’t that sound like something you’re interested in?

I don’t get it. They went on and on about what a great blog I had, and somehow missed the fact that I already have an agent, and, should I be in the market for a new agent or publisher, I think they’d probably be more interested in the content and sales figures of my actual books, the ones that are in bookstores I’ve heard of, rather than an article on a website I’ve never heard of.

* If the purpose of your website or blog is to sell a product (especially one that has no connection to my work or blog), then I’m not interested. Sorry. I’m sure your sex toys are top-rate. Still not interested. This blog is not an advertising tool. Do you see Google AdWords on here? When I talk about a product on this blog, it’s because I love the product, not because someone paid me to do it. And that still wouldn’t be about sex toys, because, guys, my mom reads this. And my mother-in-law. I’ve got parents coming out of the woodwork here. Cut it out.

Does that clear things up? Good. As you were.