vanity run amok

Got this fun little bit of spam in my inbox today. Now, before I get into the email, I would like to point out that I have nothing against self publishing, and applaud the people brave enough to go the self publishing route. It is also categorically not for me. I do not have the time, capital or marketing acumen to turn any kind of self-published project into a success. That’s not where I want to put my efforts. I’m looking for a contract with a decently-sized house with a proven track record of getting books into the hands of readers. I’m spending enough money investing in that process.

So, with that in mind, my reactions:

Dear Diana,

My name is M________ and I work for Xlibris, a print-on-demand self-publishing company. If you don’t mind, I wanted to take a moment to let you know how we can help you become a publishing success.

Can you hook me up with a major agent? Pretty please?

Xlibris is partially owned by Random House Ventures, LLC, a subsidiary of Random House, the world’s largest trade book publisher. Every day, we help authors just like you by offering flexible, inexpensive methods of editing, marketing, distributing, and selling books. To date, we have published over 10,000 titles, paid our authors more than $1,000,000 in royalties, and paved the way for many of them to win contracts with traditional publishers such as St. Martin’s Press, Kensington, and Bantam Books.

You don’t say! Well, sign me right up. I want to win a contract with traditional publishers such as St. Martin’s Press, Kensington, and Bantam Books. Or at least one of these. Interesting that they don’t mention that Bantam Books is also a subsidiary of Random House, the world’s largest trade book publisher.

Writers choose Xlibris because we are known for excellence. Here is what recently-published author M______ had to say about us:

“The fact that I could self-publish in such a convenient amount of time with such a spectacular end product from cover to inner layout still remains unbelievable. And for such a reasonable price! In a world of publishing that seems so impossible to break into, Xlibris has given me the power to present my fiction to as many people as I am able in the most professional package available…

“As many people as [he] is able,” considering he’s doing all the work and paying all the money. Fortunately:

We are so confident you’ll be thrilled with our services that we back them up with a 100% money-back guarantee.

I’m sure their printer is fine. Unfortunately:

Xlibris has a complete line of both trade and full-color publishing services. We can work with anything from 700-page novels to 24-page color children’s books.

What if my manuscript is seven hundred and ONE pages? Uh-oh.

We’d love to talk with you about any of your publishing projects and how Xlibris might be able to help. Please click here to register for more information. If you’d prefer, you can call us toll free and ask to speak with a Publishing Consultant. Each month, we run special offers for new submissions. So contact us today!

Oh, how I wish Harlequin ran special offers on new submissions every month! “Send us your manuscript now, and we’ll give you a special, one time only, 10% off chance of rejecting you!” How much would that rock my world?

PS – I’m sorry if I’ve disturbed you. If you don’t want to receive any more messages from Xlibris, please let me know by clicking here.

Hey, at least she apologizes for her spam. I wonder, though, how she finds these clients. Does she google “writers” or “manuscripts”? Does she get on one writer’s website and radiate outwards to all the unpublished writers through website links? This isn’t like one of those blanket viagra spams, where her offer to enlarge my penis size is laughable. This was targetted! Go targetted marketing!

I wonder if they do any of that when trying to sell their clients’ books?