From the Mixed-Up Files of Miss Rio McBeo

From the Mixed-Up Files of Ms. Rio McBeo, Puppy Extraordinaire:

On Tuesday, I decided to go play with the white lab who lives next door. By the time I was done, she was a black lab, and I was a little bit black myself. Okay, a lot black. I still don’t understand why that meant that mommy put me straight into the bathtub upon my muddy arrival at the back door. I hate baths.

This picture is from when I was eight weeks old. My ability to sell pathos, however, has only increased with time.

But I retaliated. That evening, when they went to put me to bed, I decided to pee on the floor. Specifically, on the throw rug. I have not done this in over two months. That should show them.

Although what it seemed to show them was that I ought to be sleeping in my kennel, instead of in bed with them. I protested this, loudly, all night long.

On Wednesday, I refused to eat. Call it a hunger strike. Also, I didn’t get to go for a walk in the morning, because mommy had a “writing date.” (She writes here all the time. I don’t get why she needs to go to a coffee shop sometimes and leave me all alone. It’s not like she gets work done there anyway. She still has IM, plus friends to chat with.)  Of course, this backfired on her, as the Fed Ex man came with her new cell phone, and she wasn’t here to get it. I don’t understand why the Fed Ex man wouldn’t leave it with me. I would only have eaten the box it came in. Instead, Mommy got something called a door tag, which didn’t look half so appetizing as a cardboard box.

So as it was a beautiful day, and Mommy was having some pretty bad writer’s block (ha! see what happens when you don’t write with a puppy on your feet?) she decided that taking me for a hike in Rock Creek Park would be the best way to jog her creativity. So, off we went into the frigid, golden afternoon.

You must allow that I’m an excellent walker…

It was perfect. Rock Creek Park was a sea of mud. I was black again in no time flat. Black and frozen and stringy. So. Much. Fun. Also, there were a bunch of other dogs there that wanted to play with me. I’m very popular, you see. This is probably because of the mud.

And then at the height of the walk, Mommy’s friend called. His car had gotten towed and he needed a ride to the towing lot to retrieve it. So Mommy said we had to run back, which was fine by me, except, you know, for when we passed other dogs. I seriously can’t help how popular I am. I didn’t ask to be born so beautiful and charming.

So anyway, the walk back was pretty treacherous, as the storms had washed out a lot of the trail, and there were all these steep little fjords cutting through the path and down to the creek. I got much muddier even than before, and mommy despaired of putting me back inside Nikita.So then we reached this one area where you can run down the bank to the creek. Usually, this is where mommy and daddy like to throw sticks into the creek for me to retrieve them. But mommy kept running past it. Naturally, I went down to the bank, because some stupid towed car should not get in the way of my schedule. Mommy called me, though, and because I actually am a very good puppy, despite what you may have been reading on Twitter recently (I get very bad press), I came running straight back to her.

So I’m running and running, and then the ground suddenly dropped out beneath me and I fell right into one of those fjords. It was about nine feet, which is about six mes, paw to snout. Mommy says her heart leapt into her throat, which really, I’d pay to see because I don’t believe that for a second! — and she came sprinting back toward me, but, tough as I am, I shook it off and had jumped and scrambled my way back up the bank before she even got there. Not even limping! You’d think I hadn’t just fallen off a cliff.

Everyone else in the park was staring though. I think it was because mommy was screaming like a car alarm. (I hate car alarms. Mommy set one off in the garage the other day, and I barked and barked.)

So we got home,a dn I was actually incredibly well behaved and sat in the back and didn’t jump over and get Nikita’s leather seats all dirty or anything.

But did I get a treat? NO! Something about me not eating all day and so I had to have a whole bowl of kibble before I got any cookies. Which, fine. Whatever. So unfair.

Also, I got put in the kennel AGAIN last night. But don’t worry. I made sure to make as much noise as possible. Mommy has hardly had more than two or three hours of sleep. Let’s see her write on that!

Yaaaaaawwwwwwwnnnnn. It’s tired in here. I think it’s time for a nap on Mommy’s feet.

Peace out.