Wednesday is pet peeve day

Lancelot the Laptop Progress Report: No news doesn’t seem to be good news. Has Yousef the Apple Genius Abandoned us? Methinks that if it’s not something they’ve figured out by now, it’s probably terminal.

In other news, Sailor Boy has gone to California to go skiing with some people who shall remain nameless, because, well, that’s part of their deal. He’s also taken a copy of my ARC. So, um, party at my house, Max? I’ll get my hands on Carnivale.

I’m currently juding two RWA writing contests, and, as usual, after the first half dozen entries or so, you start to notice a pattern in the problems. Last week, agent Kristin Nelson blogged about an overuse of the “portal plot” in YA fantasy. I haven’t noticed that, but I have noticed a ridiculous amount of something that the SFF folks call smeerps:

A cheap technique for false exoticism, in which common elements of the real world are re-named for a fantastic milieu without any real alteration in their basic nature or behavior. “Smeerps” are especially common in fantasy worlds, where people often ride exotic steeds that look and act just like horses. (Attributed to James Blish.)

Seriously, folks. You aren’t gaining any points with the reader if every evening your characters sit down to a meal, at a table, with forks, knives, and spoons (or even chopsticks!), eat stew, drink wine, speak recognizable English in every other facet of their existence, and happen to call their meal sizxcletexch. Just call it dinner and be done with it.

Had to vent. Now, do not take this to mean that I’m not a fan of writers inventing their own lexicon. On the contrary, I’m all for it. I just finished a very interesting novel called FEED that woulnd’t work if the narrator wasn’t using his own made-up words for everything. But that’s the difference. The made-up words were completely organic, and he used them all the time. (Because he didn’t know the real ones, but whatever). If you live in a fantasy world where things are different, then sure, you’re going to call things by a different name. But those things have to actually be different. Like, say this fantasy world you’ve made up has a very strong religion, and every night, before you eat, you have to pray for two hours to a god called Sizxcle. Then maybe you would call your dinner Sizxcletexch, because it means “after the praying to Sizxcle.” Who knows? You can get away with just about anything if you motivate it properly. But… just calling it sizxcletexch becaue you think it sounds cool, even though it’s just dinner… is rather bizarre.

And, while we’re at it, name your characters something pronounceable. Harry Potter is perfectly normal. Frodo Baggins isn’t hard to figure out. If Tolkien and Rowling can pull it off, then why must you stick us with Frhcle’thxsough v’Ardnghrtow’firns el Gh’ritlb’nikmosidj?