21 Jump Street: Channing Tatum is pretty, y’all. Sailor Boy actually picked this one out. I’m kind of allergic to Jonah Hill. Except I liked him fine in this flick, too. And I really liked seeing Brie Larson again, because she was always my favorite part of The United States of Tara. And I loved Little Franco, which makes me excited to see him in Now You See Me. I know nothing about the original TV show, except that it had Johnny Depp in it. And though I have known this since first seeing Lost in La Mancha in a theater made from a converted storefront with folding chairs in a little town in Australia in 2004, I will say it again: Johnny Depp is an exceptionally cool dude. He is very game. He will do anything, he is a consummate pro, and I respect him wildly for it. From a professional standpoint, that was some well-written scripting, yo. And the screenwriter clearly has a thing for unusual chase scenes. But, mainly: Channing Tatum is pretty.
Breaking Dawn, part 2: This may have been the best movie going experience of my life. Also, I was a little tipsy, because I went out with a bunch of writer friends to see it and we had like two drinks, and then one of our meals didn’t come, so the manager offered to buy us all a round of drinks, so we ordered a round of drinks and then he came back with a round of shots like THAT was what he meant… so…that was many many more drinks than I usually have in a given… well, week. Anyway, awesome, awesome movie. That screenwriter pulled a fast one of the entire world. Well done. I’ve never screamed so much at a screen. It was like everything I wanted to happen and everything that did happen all in one. Also: Bunk.
Prometheus: What in the fiery, acid-spewing, chest-bursting, face-hugging hell did I just watch? You know all the props I gave the screenwriters up there? Opposite land. This movie was chock full of logic fail, idiot characters, scenes that didn’t seem connected in time or space to any other scene (“Hi, character. How was your random emergency squid c-section? Oh, and what did you do with the squid after you birthed it?” NEVER ASKED), terrible and pointless old age Guy Pearce, the most stupid conclusions and out-of-left-fieldness and just general horrific gloppiness that totally detracted all over the place from the things it did have going for it: 1) Pretty Charlize Theron, Michael Fassbender, Idris Elba (!!!!!!! — I cannot believe they hinted at a cut Theron/Elba sex scene, clearly cut because otherwise the film would have imploded from the weight of human beauty), 2) Michael Fassbender as a Lawrence of Arabia obsessed robot is utterly bril, 3) that scene in the alien spaceship with the galaxies, which must have been awesome in IMAX 3D. But the rest of it was mind-warping crap. I just… I can’t even…. I *love* the Alien franchise, man. Don’t do this to me, man. I’m so upset. And I spent the entire night wondering what Noomi is going to be eating on her alien ship. NO. ANSWERS.
Then Sailor Boy put on Melancholia. But I fell asleep, even though I have liked every single thing Kirsten Dunst has ever done, from Marie Antoinette to Fifteen and Pregnant. I was enjoying Melancholia, but I was tired.
